


Out in the Wild

by SeaofSin



Series: Team Bonding [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Arguing, Camping, Crack Fic, F/M, Humor, Pietro is not a happy camper, Poison Ivy - Freeform, Swearing, crackish, maxicest, sharing tents, terrible vacations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-09
Updated: 2015-09-09
Packaged: 2018-04-19 23:56:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4765754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeaofSin/pseuds/SeaofSin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which the Avengers go on a group camping trip, and no one is pleased, least of all Pietro.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Out in the Wild

Sam was one for team building, always suggesting new ways the Avengers could learn more about their teammates, not just in battle, but personally as well. Steve agreed that making the team closer would help serve them on the field, and usually went along with Sam's suggested team bonding activities. So when Sam suggested the team go on a hiking and camping trip, Steve immediately thought this was a brilliant scheme, and decided to prepare a team camping trip.

"A team camping trip, just us and nature. It's the perfect opportunity to learn how to work together. Building tents, fires... Cooking together... Hiking... It really would be a great way to learn more about each other personally, and we would have a relaxing vacation all at once!" Sam said, beaming with joy at the prospect of being able to camp alongside his closest friends.

"If you're quite done waxing poetic about the joys of nature, may I say that this is a stupid idea? Take it from a man who has done the whole 'camping out' bullshit for a long time, it isn't fun." Pietro said, rolling his eyes.

"Aw, come on, Speedy. It is only three days. Can't handle that?" Clint chuckled, poking Pietro's shoulder with a wide grin on his face.

Pietro relented with a grumble, looking entirely unamused. "Fine, whatever. Hope you guys like burnt food and freezing cold tents."

And so their trip began, the team carrying one large cooler filled to the brim with traditional camping food, and tents strapped to their backs as they warded off what Pietro had dubbed 'nuclear mosquitoes'. The insects were persistent, constantly trying to find weak points on their bodies to attack as they hiked up the hill. Wanda, thankfully, was fully protected- not by bug spray, but rather by her overly attentive brother, who would crush the bugs as they attempted to land on his beloved twin, swatting them mid-flight.

Eventually, they had come upon a river, indicating they were close to the camping site, which was advertised as being 'a mile away from a relaxing river'. Pietro seemed less than pleased by this discovery.

"No one said we would be fording a river. I'm not going in there. Come on, Wanda, let's find a place where it's less rapid." Pietro said, gesturing her to his side.

"You don't know what you're talking about." Clint retorted, shooting Pietro a cheeky grin. "You're just afraid of a little water."

"I'm telling you, the river is not the way to go. Everything is going to get soaked, and it won't dry out before bedtime. You guys can enjoy your sopping wet pajamas, I'm going my way." Pietro said, his feet planted firmly on the ground and his arms crossed over his chest.

"Trust me, you won't want to go that way. I've been here before. Nothing good is in those thickets." Clint warned, crossing his arms over his chest, equally as stubborn as Pietro.

"And you think I can't handle a few bugs? Honestly, there's nothing there that could even touch me." Pietro replied, wrapping an arm around Wanda.

"Wanda, you're the sane twin, tell him that he's making a mistake." Clint pleaded with her, sending nasty glares over to Pietro.

"Actually, I'm going with him. He's right, it's fairly late already, and the water is a bit deep. There is no way the clothes won't get wet." Wanda said, resting her cheek on Pietro's shoulder for a moment.

"Whatever. See you two later." Clint sighed, throwing his hands in the air, completely exasperated. "The rest of us, let's get a move on."

Vision glanced over to the river, anxious. "Actually, I will accompany the twins, if the rest of you don't mind." he said, looking over his shoulder to where they were standing.

With a wave, the two groups parted ways, Pietro and his group heading for the thicket, and Clint's group heading through the river.

"They're a bunch of idiots, all of them. They're going to get everything wet, and they're going to be the ones complaining about it." Pietro said after a little while, pushing tree branches and leaves out of the way so Wanda could pass through without having to touch them. "Here, I think the campsite is up this way, if we go through this plant, we can make a shortcut." Pietro said as he examined the map, glancing over at the river to check his surroundings. Quickly, he moved towards the dense shrubs, pulling it out of the way.

Vision tried to protest this, but was a bit too late. "I wouldn't go there... That's-"

"It's what?" Pietro asked, cocking his head to the side.

"Poison ivy."

"Are you fucking _kidding me_?!"

By the time they had found their missing teammates, it was already nightfall, and the poison ivy rash had set in, driving Pietro wild, as was evidenced by the constant grimace on his face and the not-so-subtle way that he would slide his hand under the bandages Wanda had procured from her pack to scratch at the reddening skin. Upon walking up to greet said missing teammates, it became very clear that, while their group had encountered poison ivy, perhaps Pietro was right about not crossing the river. The other Avengers were completely soaked from head to toe, and even more furious looking than Pietro.

At first, a smug look of triumph crossed Pietro's face, his smile gloatingly saying 'I told you so'. After his glee passed, he made an interesting observation. "Where are your bags? Where are the extra tents?"

The soaked Avengers exchanged displeased glances amongst one another, as though some sort of nonverbal argument as to who would explain this development was occurring.

Eventually, Sam was the one to speak up. "The river was a bit too strong, Clint got pulled downstream by an unexpectedly powerful current. We lost the bags in a struggle to pull him out." he said, sighing as he pulled his shirt off, wringing the soaked garment.

"We did manage to save the cooler though, so we're not going hungry." Rhodey added helpfully, gesturing to the plastic cooler with an uneasy smile on his face.

Pietro was less than happy with this revelation, and crossed his arms over his chest with a loud huff of displeasure. "If you ask me, you should have saved the tents and let the current take Clint's dumb ass away. Where is everyone going to sleep now?"

"Well, screw you too-" Clint started to shriek.

Sam immediately cut him off, wanting to quell whatever argument was brewing between the two of them, which Wanda was immensely grateful for. "We figured we'd double up. I know they're one person tents, two person tents at best, but we need to work together." he said, shrugging a little.

"Remind me to kill Clint when we get back home. Though it's tempting to do it now, where the authorities won't be able to find his body." Pietro grumbled.

"We _are_ the authorities." interjected Tony, snickering at Pietro's sour expression.

"And you think I can't hide a body?" Pietro retorted.

"If he's gone missing, I think we've already got a notion as to who did it." Natasha said softly, her lips lightly quirked in amusement.

"And I'll hightail it out of here with Wanda in tow." Pietro hissed, narrowing his eyes.

" _Nobody is fucking killing anybody_! Okay, I get it, when Sam suggested this trip, I wasn't prepared for losing tents, but we aren't going to lose our shit over a little mishap! We're a team, let's act like it." Steve shrieked, throwing his hands up in the air in complete frustration before storming off to pitch whatever tents they had left, leaving the rest of the team standing there, wholly shocked by his outburst.

Rhodey was the one to break the silence. "Did he just-?"

"I think he did." Sam whispered, almost horrified.

"We've done it. We've pissed off Steve so much that he dropped the f-bomb." Clint chuckled, greatly amused by this.

"That should be evidence enough to turn our asses back home." Pietro interjected.

Wanda sighed, rubbing her temples in frustration as she sat herself down on a nearby fallen log, trying to clear her thoughts for a moment. This supposedly innocent camping trip was clearly going to hell, and fast, and she was simply standing on the sidelines, watching this proverbial train-wreck unfold. The sudden warmth of an arm around her shoulders shocked her, as did the set of lips pressed against her temple.

"I'm being an asshole, aren't I?"

"Yes." she chuckled, returning the embrace. "This isn't going to end well. Two hours in, and already everyone is at each other's throats. The psychic tension might just kill me."

"I can take you home. We could get into bed, cuddle, watch movies together. We don't have to be here if it's hurting you." he offered, pulling her onto his lap so he could comb the tangled ends of her hair with his fingers.

"No, I'm good. If we survived ten years on the Sokovian streets, I'm sure we can survive three days in the wild." she murmured against his shoulder, nuzzling herself against him so she could drown herself in his scent, blocking out the rest of the world for just that moment.

"That's if we don't kill each other first. I know who is first on my list." he chuckled.

Later that night, after everyone separated for an hour or so in order to collect themselves, the team gathered around the fire, ready to cook their meals.

"Well, that's not good." Sam sighed, slamming the lid of the cooler shut after a few minutes of inspecting its contents.

"What _now_?" Pietro sighed. Wanda placed a calming hand on his shoulder, a gentle reminder to keep still, that this would all be over in a matter of days.

"I think the hot dogs expired little while back. We've got canned food, but yeah, these aren't going to do any good." Sam explained, shaking his head lightly in disappointment.

"Then why did you pack so many?" Clint complained, digging through the cooler for anything was salvageable, or at least not two months out of date.

"I thought our cooler would keep them safe. Evidently not." Sam replied. "I really wouldn't eat those anyways, seems the cooler wasn't fully closed, so they're probably not edible."

"So you're saying we've got a few cans of food and a cooler full of spoiled hot dogs?" Pietro snarled, pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration as he scowled at Clint. Wanda didn't need her powers to know that he was internally cursing the archer.

"When you put it that way..." Tony sighed, flopping back on the blanket he had spread over the forest floor.

Immediately, Pietro leapt to his feet. "I'm going home. Fuck this trip."

"Pietro, sit down." Wanda commanded, tugging his sleeve to pull him down beside her. Reluctantly, he flopped down next to her, scowling at nothing in particular.

Eventually, they had managed to set the canned goods in a position where they could be warmed, and the food was distributed amongst the disgruntled campers, who opted to eat in relative silence, lest another argument break out.

After the meal was done, the arguments over who would be sharing tents began. There were a grand total of three tents, and with nine campers, that added up to three campers to be crowded into a tent built for one. Pietro and Wanda insisted that they stay together, but with the forced third person, they certainly wouldn't be able to share any romantic encounters tonight. Wanda, in retribution, dragged Pietro several feet from the campsite, and once she was certain no one could see them, kissed him with as much passion as she could muster before dragging him back to camp.

Pietro, while happy he had been kissed, was still bitter about this entire trip, and let it be known in his very vocal complaints.

"So, whose brilliant idea was this? This is bullshit! 'Oh yeah, group camping, it will be so much fun!' Fucking brilliant." Pietro complained as he glared at his arm, as though giving it enough nasty stares would make the rash disappear.

"Oh, hush. Just ignore the rash and it will fade soon enough. Besides, you're the one who insisted on taking your own short-cut. The poison ivy problem is all your own error." Wanda retorted. While she did feel pity for Pietro, his incessant complaining was a bit too ridiculous when he _had_ brought about his own misery.

"But that nonsense about the extra tents getting swept away in the river was not. Absolute bullshit. We should have turned around the second that happened." he complained, scratching his arm with intense fury.

"I wouldn't advise that. It will only worsen the condition." Vision, their forced roommate, commented, looking up from his deep thoughts.

"I don't care! It itches like hell and no one thought to bring something for it! Besides, my metabolism will deal with it soon enough. I think." Pietro spat, ignoring Vision's guidance and continuing to rub at the sore skin. The vibrant red color certainly wasn't going to fade any time soon.

Wanda sighed. "Pietro, calm down. Things don't always go according to plan. It was nice enough of Sam to suggest some team bonding, and sure, things aren't exactly flawless-"

"That's putting it mildly!"

"But we've dealt with worse. Now come on, let's try to get some sleep. I'm sure tomorrow will be better." Wanda sighed, settling down on her threadbare blanket and wrapping it around her like a cocoon.

There was a shifting beside her as Pietro settled next to her, his non-contaminated arm somewhat draped over her waist as behind her she could feel Vision attempting to curl into himself as much as he could, to provide space.

"I really hope so." Pietro sighed. Wanda only half understood his statement, already slipping into sleep. "Night, Wanda."

"G'night..."

Wanda woke up entirely uncomfortable, overheated on one side from the furnace that was her brother's body, and the other half of her body too chilled from the cool metal of the resting android's body. With a sigh, she attempted to roll into one side, shifting closer towards her brother. The rest of this trip was going to be hell if she was going to be sandwiched between two polar opposite temperatures for the next two nights.

Pietro must have heard her shuffling, and without even cracking an eye open he asked "You alright, Wanda?"

"I hate camping. We really shouldn't have packed one man tents." she complained, shifting towards her twin.

"We really didn't plan well." he replied with a smile, opening his eyes, which seemed to glitter in the rising golden light with amusement.

"And I'm suffering for it. You're too hot, Vision is too cold, and I'm stuck in the middle."

"Poor Wanda. Come here, now you can only be too hot." he chuckled, wrapping his arms around her slender frame and drawing her close to his heated chest. For a moment, she resisted, pressing her palms against his shoulders as she scanned his arm for any evidence that she could be contaminated with poison ivy. As though he were reading her thoughts, Pietro immediately leaned in to whisper "The rash is gone. Told you that my metabolism could deal with it. It still itched like a bitch, wouldn't recommend poison ivy to anyone. Which is why I'm probably going to throw Barton into a pit of it before this trip is done."

Chuckling, Wanda allowed herself to be pulled into his arms, and he tucked her under his blankets, caressing her cheeks for a moment. "Pietro, please don't make this trip worse than it already is." she whispered in his ear before pressing a tender kiss to the shell.

"No promises. Though I can certainly can think of a few ways we can improve it." he whispered, kissing her neck gently.

"We're not having sex in this cramped little tent next to Vision." Wanda said softly, snickering under her breath.

"Not what I was thinking, but I certainly wouldn't argue with it." he chuckled, kissing her brows before continuing. "I was actually thinking more along the lines of leaving this whole wilderness bullshit behind and finding a hotel with a heated pool and a poolside bar."

Wanda gave a huff of amusement at her brother's fantasy, grinning. "Is that so? Perhaps after this, we could do that together, just you and I. A vacation after this vacation. Goodness knows we will need it."

"Then why don't we just go? I could get us out of here is a heartbeat. Let me take you somewhere nice, where you're not going to freeze to death or get bugs in your face all day. Let me take you out to breakfast, and we can spend the day lounging at a pool, or at home- wherever." he murmured, affectionately combing his fingers through her sleep-mussed hair.

"Because we're here on a team building exercise. That's not exactly showing our team spirit by walking out on them."

"So?"

"So, that's not a way to earn their trust. We need that if we're going to work together, fighting off aliens and insane robots." she sighed, lazily running her fingers in indistinguishable patterns over his chest.

"Mmm, I don't care. I just want to spend the day with you and not worry about poison ivy or food poisoning or mosquitoes or any of that crap. I want to treat you like you deserve." he grumbled, drawing her closer to his chest as he pulled her into a crushing embrace, his head coming to nuzzle against her should and bury itself in her hair.

"Like I said, after. After we're done with this, we can go do something nice." she whispered, frowning a little.

"You sound agitated."

"I just remembered we can't have sex for three days." she mumbled gruffly.

"You really seem to have that on the brain right now." Pietro chuckled, his head lifting as Vision began to stir a little.

Vision's awakening halted all conversation between the two of them, and reluctantly they began to dress in order to get breakfast, neither really wanting to leave the comfort of their tent, or their sibling's embrace.

The team gathered slowly for breakfast, various members filtering in from their crowded tents to sit around the campfire. The coffee and eggs were in no way edible, but everyone refused to say so, instead shoveling down as much of the burnt 'food' as they could before they couldn't handle another bite.

"It really is odd that a robot has to sleep." Tony mentioned, trying to keep the conversation light, in spite of the tension brewing.

"Well, not technically sleeping. More like a computer being rebooted." Vision explained, watching the others.

"Downloading Vision 2.0." Tony chuckled.

"I'm afraid there is no such thing." Vision replied, completely deadpan.

"I always seem to forget that humor is lost on you." Tony sighed dramatically, sipping his coffee, which Wanda suspected was more whiskey than coffee.

After breakfast, Steve decided that they should go on a group hike, which the rest reluctantly agreed to. At this point, Wanda was about ready to ask Pietro to take her home. She was cold, hungry, had the acrid taste of burnt eggs and sludge coffee staining her mouth. As the hike began, so did the arguments. Somehow, Pietro and Clint had rekindled their old argument about the river, and were vehemently spewing insults back and forth, at least until the sudden crack of thunder interrupted them.

"What the hell? Are we really going to have a downpour to underscore this shitty trip?" Pietro said, glancing up at the sky. As if on cue, the rain began to slowly trickle down, little drips threatening to explode into a massive storm, and soon.

With great haste, the team scurried back to their campsite, with the exception of Pietro, who was entirely exhausted by this trip. Quietly, he gathered Wanda into his arms, and after a brief check for her safety, darted off. Wanda's head was spinning as he deposited her back on her feet, right in front of the door to their apartment, and brought her in before the rain became heavy.

Pietro chuckled, peering out the window for a brief moment before wrapping his arms around Wanda. Together, the two of them burst into a fit of giggles, imagining their poor teammates stuck in their tents as the rain came down. Pietro eventually leaned in, grinning as he whispered in her ear. "Remind me when I see them again to tell them that I was right. Camping sucks."


End file.
